How to Talk About Your Kinks With Your Girlfriend or Sex Partner.

We know them. We have them. We desperately want to share them. They’re kinks.

Now, before we dive in I feel the need to point out that there is a difference between kinks and fetishes. A fetish is a sexual fixation on something that’s necessary for a person to orgasm — if you enjoy something, that might be a kink. If you can’t get off without it? Fetish. While “kinks” are highlighted in the title, rest assured this article is interchangeable for both.

Almost everyone who has had consistent sex with anyone has experienced the moment. When the sex has grown stale. Mundane. Dare I say…Vanilla. And though there is no shame in that (I see you out there, my Missionary Qweens!), for some of us it leaves a lot to be desired. So how do you tell your sexy friend that you need a little more without fear of embarrassment? I’m so glad you asked.

Now let’s start those engines, ladies and they’s. Here are three ways to have The Kink Talk™ for the first time.

1. Old Favorite: The Movie Watch

You found the kink somewhere, right? Even if you stumbled across it organically (meaning a porn site), there’s a pretty good chance that somewhere out there is a movie scene that perfectly depicts all the things you may not want to say. Suggest it and have a watch party. When that scene comes up, try to read your partner. Breathing picking up? Worth approaching the topic. Clear disgust? You can steer clear and they’re none the wiser. For those of you with a spitting kink, I’d like to personally recommend Disobedience with Rachel Weisz and Rachel McAdams. Actually you should watch it regardless. It’s a rite of passage really.

2. New Tech: A Sexy Partners Quiz

A new option and a great option. In fact, this is what my girlfriend and I used to find out our boundaries in the bedroom. The premise is simple. You and your sexual partner both take the quiz separately, answering as truthfully as possible. It talks about everything from spanking to choking to crawling on all fours like an animal. Once you’re both finished, the site will only reveal the answers that you both answered positively on. This limits the vulnerability that comes with sharing such an intimate side of you, while also empowering you to be completely honest. There are a good bunch of these quizzes out there and I’ve linked one below:

http://www.thatsexquiz.com

3. Brave Bet: Just Be Transparent

It can be scary. I get it. But if you are one of the lucky people who feel a sense of absolute comfort in yourself and/or your partner TAKE ADVANTAGE, YOU BADASS BABE! No matter what happens you’re the winner here. You either get to have the hottest sexy times of your life or you know definitively whether you’ll have to let love conquer all or move onto someone who can fulfill your needs in every way possible. It’s a true win/win for you.

There you have it. Three ways to kick off a sometimes scary, but totally worth it conversation.

How have you talked to your girlfriend or partner about kinks in the past? Have there ever been speed bumps in the convo? Spill the tea.