The Weight of Insecurity in Lesbian Relationships.
Body dysmorphia in women loving women relationships is real. So how do we learn to cope with it?
I have been a lesbian for quite some time now. Granted I’ve likely been a lesbian since birth. But I’ve been an out lesbian for quite some time now.
In that time, I’ve been with a variety of people. Some taller than me, some shorter. Thinner and thicker. Darker and lighter. One could even go so far as to say that I’ve tasted the metaphorical rainbow. Without an ounce of denial I will proudly profess that every person I have ever been with is someone that I was insanely attracted to at one point or another.
And yet while I easily saw the sensuality and beauty in these vastly different individuals, I have always struggled to show myself that same adoration. A trend that continues even to this day.
A trend that seemingly runs rampant in the lesbian community.
So how is it possible for us to love women so much, all while hating ourselves?
For me, it’s my body. I’m thicker and carry my weight around my stomach. Something that happened slowly and then all at once. By the time my mind realized what had happened to my body, finding comfort in this new self seemed all but impossible. Most devastatingly, this was seen in my sex life. Where I once was revved up and ready to get down at the drop of a panty, I began having to mentally prepare myself for the act of intimacy. Spontaneous romps and one night stands were a thing of the past. Sex was now to be treated like skincare, with a full 12 step regimen. Steamy shower mirror pep talks were aplenty.
The anxiety I felt around my body only worsened when I got into a relationship. My girlfriend an ethereal goddess turning me on with naught a glance, and my devilish insecurity reminding me that tonight isn’t a good night since we’re period bloated.
It’s toxic and malicious, thinking so lowly of ourselves. Yet extremely difficult to step away from. Instead we wear t-shirts large enough to mask our figures. Become givers instead of receivers. Fight with our own feminism regarding subjecting ourselves to society’s perception of beauty.
I truly believe all women’s bodies are immaculate. I love the dips and valleys and curves and planes. The shadows seen only in those moments of intimacy.
Hopefully one day I’ll be able to appreciate myself in that same way.
Do you ever deal with insecurities in your women loving women relationships? What ways have you found to help you through it? Let us know in the comments.
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