How about some awkward sex stories?
We asked, you answered. And you did not disappoint.
Last week, we were chatting here behind the scenes of G.S. about our first times with women. A few of us had the idealized, yet highly unrealistically floating on clouds experience. And others had the more stereotypical fumbling of body parts. Naturally, this brought up an onslaught of other curiosities for the team regarding our sexual endeavors. And even more so…yours. Therefore, we did what we had to be done!
We sent a blast out to our email list and to a few of the queer sapphic threads on Reddit asking for retellings of the most awkward and cringeworthy sexual encounters you’ve had with other women. The submissions began rolling in almost immediately. And maybe I’m biased but they make for a good time. So buckle up, Ladies and They’s. It’s going to get weird.
In the women loving women community,
all sexual encounters have the potential to be especially mortifying.
On The Graphic Sapphic, the dedicated readers who submit these inspiring romps are members of an elite squad known as the Ask The Sapphics Unit.
These are your stories. *dum dum*
Too Hot to Handle
“My ex and I were doing the do in one of our lofted college dorm room beds, which is already a precarious place at best to have sex. We had gotten pretty good at not hitting our heads on the ceiling of our freshman dorm rooms. However, come sophomore year, our rooms were configured in such a way that it was VERY easy to hit your head on the sharp corner of the long rectangular light fixtures. And so, the nightmare began.
We had just gotten our first battery-powered toy that spring and were eager to use it again now that we were reunited post-summer break. This was the first link in a disastrous chain of events. She was on top, and I am a pretty vocal bottom, so as she was using the vibe on me and it began to overheat – and I was barely able to form coherent words – she didn’t initially understand my screams were no longer from pleasure. Finally I said “TOO HOT,” she realized what was happening, and she let go of the still-buzzing toy. I grabbed it and unscrewed the top so the battery would come out; it was searingly hot and it fell onto my exposed inner thigh. My ex then tried to grab it, but it burned her hand and she dropped it directly onto my cooch. I screamed, accidentally reflexively kicked her, and she reeled backwards and hit her head against the corner of the ceiling light.
I leaned forward to try to help her as she was going to fall off the lofted bed, and our heads crashed together, and I fell right over the edge into a pile of laundry.
Defying all logic, we were together for another four years.”
All Strings Attached
“Always used pads so I had no idea how tampons worked at the time.mind you, I was older when I finally lost my v card so I probably should have known.
She was into it from the moment we met didn’t even get to our plans, she must have forgotten it was that time of the month for her cause as I got to her cookie jar, I saw a string and was extremely confused. I just kinda looked at her and she realized and ran out.
We tried again maybe a week later. She had a little landing strip growing and I finally got to have a taste. I guess I was getting a bit vigorous cause her hairs started tickling my nose. I open mouth sneezed into her area. We never spoke again after. Lol”
A Little Too Horn…y
“I was 18 and just got my license. A girl from out of town came to visit a mutual friend and we hit it off. We were sitting in my car in front of my friends place and things started getting hot. She was in the driver’s seat and I ended up basically straddling her. As I shifted positions to get a better angle somehow my foot ends up on the horn. I panic, which only makes things worse, and can’t get my body off the horn, laid on it for a good 30 seconds straight. Finally dislodge my body from the steering wheel and I climb back into the passenger seat only to turn around and see my manager for my job starting at me through the windshield. Apparently he lived in the same apartment building as my friend. He never said anything directly about it, but once I became a manager he would always ask me about how the horn in my car was working any time I talked/flirted with women at work.”
Managed to Breeze Through It
“I think everyone has accidentally farted during an orgasm at least once. Myself and my partner have been together for a very long time so we’ve a few embarrassing stories about flatulence whilst doing the deed.
We were 69ing her chin was by my clit, tongue in my vagina and nose near my asshole. I came violently and farted directly up her nostrils. She giggled about it and told me not to worry because she could see me dying from embarrassment. However a week or so later she farted in bed and I moaned about it so she described, in detail, her horror when I farted up her nostrils whilst her mouth was firmly against my vagina, leaving her no option but to fully breathe in my fart.
In my opinion her embarrassing gaseous moment was worse… my tongue was flat against her asshole and I literally felt the bubble of her fart blow up and pop against my tongue. It was warm and tasted as bad as you’d imagine. But I am also a kind and understanding partner so I quickly took a drink and told her not to worry.
We joke about it with each other now though. We both pushed through and didn’t let it kill the mood, and reassured each other in the moment that it was ok. Now we try to do some tactical farts before doing anything.”
Fully Off the Deep End
“I had a fling with a musician. I’m a giant Lady Gaga stan, and she told me to close my eyes. I thought she had a gift for me. Instead, I suddenly hear a cover of “Shallow” from the A Star is Born film. It wasn’t a bad cover, I just didn’t know what to do, because I didn’t expect to be sung to. It gave me Wattpad vibes. The vibes you get when someone is crying over something ridiculous in front of you, but you don’t want to laugh? Or the ones my friends talk about when a guy they’re talking to shows them his soundcloud rap.
Additionally, when we got intimate, I suddenly saw a giant Imagine Dragons poster. Her Google Home mini started playing “Shape of You” by Ed Sheeran. You figure out the rest.”
The Designated Bottom
“Went to a party with my sister, my ex, and my sister’s bestie (all of them bi, me a transbian) at the home of a guy we’d known for most of our lives and was into my sister’s friend. Knowing she didn’t want to have anything to do with him, and there was going to be a lot of drinking going on, my ex (who was into the guy) volunteered to ensure he didn’t wind up ending up in the wrong woman’s bed. Said drinking turned (as these things sometimes do) into a big pile of fun-time on a California King bed, and 5 pairs of glasses got dropped on clothes around the room. While my sister and my ex got to know each other better, her bestie and I edged the guy out of the bed figuring he’d go find one of the other girls at the party who’d been all over him all night, but he failed to take the hint.
Some amount of time later, she and I were in another bedroom, and inexplicably I, the designated bottom, wound up being on top when the door opened. Without my glasses all I saw was an outline that looked vaguely like my ex, and I must have told her that’s who it was, cause she pulled the person into the bed with us. All I remember from here is getting out from in between the two of them (with obvious… difficulty, if you catch my meaning), and throwing the guy who was hosting the party out the door, allegedly yelling for the whole house to hear “if it’s not detachable or girl cock it stays the fuck out! If you want to to be detachable, try the fuck again!” I then slammed the door, and remember waking up the next morning cradling my sister’s bestie in lukewarm water in the bathtub, our makeup both a mess.
We had to do the walk of… shame(?), sort of, to the bedroom he was sleeping in, alone with a black eye, to get our clothes and glasses. We left the house to cheering from some semi-hungover friends and spent the next several months feeling weird with our feelings for each other thanks to disjointed memories. My ex still occasionally apologizes for letting him out from under her almost 2 decades later, and my sister reminds us how loud we were in the bathroom for the rest of the night every time her bestie and I get the “will they / won’t they” looks on our faces when we’re together. We’re just both over here wishing we could remember the rest of the fun parts.”
So…how we feeling? Got anything to top those?
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